Managing Stress and Grief
\nin Children
\nby Dr. Roxanne Daleo<\/p>\n
Managing stress and grief as a result of crisis, such as the one at the SANDY HOOK
\nELEMENTARY SCHOOL is a challenge, even for the most experienced,
\ntrained professionals. Here are some suggestions on how to begin and what you can
\ndo if your child has been affected and is asking questions.<\/p>\n
Under normal circumstances, talking to your child about death can be a heart-
\nopening experience for both of you; rather than something to avoid. Everyday you
\nhave an opportunity to bring your child\u02bcs attention to the cycles of life all around us.
\nFrom the tiniest insect, to a plant, or a fish; everything has a life cycle. Some are very
\nshort cycles; other creatures like birds are longer. Animals and humans, usually even
\nlonger. Everything is born, lives and then dies.<\/p>\n
The natural world is a place to start to develop your child\u02bcs understanding of death in the
\ncontext of life cycles.(See the book LifeTimes: The beautiful way to explain death to
\nchildren by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen), Bantam Books, 1983.) to help yourself
\nbegin the conversation with your child in a calm and centered way.
\nUnder unusual or tragic circumstances, we have to go deeper to meet our child\u02bcs
\nneeds and our own. And to be able to answer their questions, correct misconceptions,
\nease worries and fears.<\/p>\n
When a child\u02bcs life cycle is cut short, we look beyond the physical, to the spiritual, to our
\nfaith, to whatever we believe is sacred and Divine for ways to explain the inexplicable.
\nWhat happens after we die is a matter of your faith and your belief system.
\nFor those of us who are confronted with our own uncertainties, referring to world
\ncultures may provide a way to come to grips with our own fears; learning from others
\nwhat they do may provide comforting answers for you and your child. In many places,
\ndeath is an integral part of life. Grandparents live in the same house and even die at
\nhome surrounded by loved ones where family members can mourn together and
\nsupport one another. Infants and babies sometimes die and although it is out of order of
\nnature, there is ritual to honor the little life in it\u02bcs entirety. Grief is the opportunity to come
\ntogether in praise of the individual who died.<\/p>\n
When upset feelings happen, many of us are more likely to not want to talk about them.
\nBut pushing our feelings away is not the best for our child. Even if they don\u02bct say
\nanything to us, our children are observant and they will \u201cfeel\u201d our feelings, \u201cread\u201d our
\nfacial expressions and body language. In short, by not fully expressing ourselves, we
\nteach our children to not express themselves in healthy ways. This can cause more
\nworry for your child rather than protecting them from hurt and emotional pain.
\nBe mindful of the age of your child. See Guidelines for Children\u02bcs Conception of
\nDeath Age and Stage of Understanding:<\/p>\n
Death is not permanent and non-reversible; children understand death as
\nseparation; more like a different kind of life. (ex. \u201cHow will she get around in heaven
\nwithout her wheelchair?\u201d)<\/p>\n
Death is understood as permanent; it\u02bcs inevitability has not been realized.
\nChildren can \u201celude death by escaping the clutches of death\u201d (\u201cI can run and hide so he
\nwon\u02bct get me!\u201d) Children may think of death as a movie or story character, such as a
\nHalloween ghost, skeleton, grim reaper or shadow. In the case of a real dangerous
\nperson, such as the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School (ex. \u201cWill another bad
\nguy come after me?\u201d)<\/p>\n
Death is final and inevitable. Youngsters may have a pre- occupation with the
\nfear of bodily harm. Images of violence more prevalent and accessible from media and
\nmovies.<\/p>\n
If your child was directly involved with the Sandy Hook traumatic event, that experience
\nis powerful, present, charged with emotions and pervades you and your child\u02bcs
\neveryday life now. Whereas, explaining a distant event from news reports is best done
\nby answering only those questions your child asks with empathy and caring and at their
\nlevel of cognitive development. (See Guidelines for Children\u02bcs Conception of Death-
\nAge and Stage of Understanding)<\/p>\n
Answering questions with regard to the Sandy Hook tradegy can be done briefly.
\nChildren want reassurance of their safety and security as well as yours.<\/p>\n
Common reactions may include: separation anxiety, loss of appetite, fear of a repeat
\nlethal threat, nightmares. Don\u02bct expect your child to stray too far without you. Create
\noutings together or stay home in a peaceful atmosphere, perhaps use the fireplace and
\nmake hot drinks for everyone. Sit together, welcome the quiet, just be with each other.<\/p>\n
When parents allow themselves to get in touch with their own uncomfortable feelings,
\nwithout trying to ignore them or keep themselves hectic and anxious, they model coping
\nfor their child by being able to compose themselves after showing true feelings of grief.
\nParents can help themselves by openly calming themselves using soothing music,
\nlighting a candle, making a cup of tea in front of their child. Being centered, parents can
\nshare more authentically and wisely.<\/p>\n
When you say grace at meal times, acknowledge the worldview for peace as well as
\nacknowledging that \u201cpeace begins inside me\u201d.<\/p>\n
Teach your child not everyone has your family\u02bcs belief. People from different cultures
\nand backgrounds have different customs and traditions and that\u02bcs the way of the world.<\/p>\n
Often children may not show sadness, but might act out, misbehave or have angry
\noutbursts. Changes in the patterns of their eating and sleeping. Be afraid to go to sleep
\nor wake with nightmares.<\/p>\n
Use Guided Imagery Relaxation Techniques
\nSit with your child in the late afternoon or just before going to sleep, Listen to a guided
\nimagery recording; it\u02bcs a natural way to turn the volume down on the stress response
\nand turn on the relaxation response. Children love to use their imagination, a skillful
\nnarration of specific healing images and soothing music can help your child\u02bcs brain
\nreplace fearful ideas with calming ones. The use of guided imagery recordings before
\nyour child goes to sleep is a highly effective way for your child to help himself calm and
\nsettle.<\/p>\n
Create a tangible way to say \u201cgood-bye\u201d
\nPlace a flower on a memorial site; make a paper sailboat and send it off to sea, write a
\nmessage in a bottle and bury it or throw it in the ocean; write a message place it in a
\nballoon and sent it up to the sky.<\/p>\n
Remember the loved one. List the qualities of the person who you lost. Scape booking
\nthe positive memories and photos is helpful. Evoking the tenderness of each other\u02bcs
\nspirit can be a life restoring event. Grief is gratitude for life; it is our opportunity to honor
\nthe wholeness of the person\u02bcs life regardless of the length.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Managing Stress and Grief in Children by Dr. Roxanne Daleo Managing stress and grief as a result of crisis, such as the one at the SANDY HOOK ELEMENTARY SCHOOL is a challenge, even for the most experienced, trained professionals. Here are some suggestions on how to begin and what you can do if your child […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"site-sidebar-layout":"default","site-content-layout":"","ast-site-content-layout":"default","site-content-style":"default","site-sidebar-style":"default","ast-global-header-display":"","ast-banner-title-visibility":"","ast-main-header-display":"","ast-hfb-above-header-display":"","ast-hfb-below-header-display":"","ast-hfb-mobile-header-display":"","site-post-title":"","ast-breadcrumbs-content":"","ast-featured-img":"","footer-sml-layout":"","ast-disable-related-posts":"","theme-transparent-header-meta":"","adv-header-id-meta":"","stick-header-meta":"","header-above-stick-meta":"","header-main-stick-meta":"","header-below-stick-meta":"","astra-migrate-meta-layouts":"default","ast-page-background-enabled":"default","ast-page-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-4)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"ast-content-background-meta":{"desktop":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"tablet":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""},"mobile":{"background-color":"var(--ast-global-color-5)","background-image":"","background-repeat":"repeat","background-position":"center center","background-size":"auto","background-attachment":"scroll","background-type":"","background-media":"","overlay-type":"","overlay-color":"","overlay-opacity":"","overlay-gradient":""}},"footnotes":""},"categories":[],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-1207","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry"],"spectra_blocks_featured_image_url":null,"spectra_blocks_author_info":{"display_name":"DrRoxie","avatar_url":"https:\/\/secure.gravatar.com\/avatar\/1deef107488fe7d412a4ab66de82b4375a3fb87a2ee9c8dc74c20c13f3bf03e8?s=96&d=mm&r=g","author_link":"https:\/\/www.drroxannedaleo.com\/roxie\/author\/drroxie\/","description":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.drroxannedaleo.com\/roxie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1207","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.drroxannedaleo.com\/roxie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.drroxannedaleo.com\/roxie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.drroxannedaleo.com\/roxie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.drroxannedaleo.com\/roxie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=1207"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.drroxannedaleo.com\/roxie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1207\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":1208,"href":"https:\/\/www.drroxannedaleo.com\/roxie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/1207\/revisions\/1208"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.drroxannedaleo.com\/roxie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=1207"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.drroxannedaleo.com\/roxie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=1207"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.drroxannedaleo.com\/roxie\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=1207"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}